A Million Different Ways To Live


Change is inevitable and so are choices.

Life is full of change and I know that this is not a foreign concept for anyone. But in order for change to come to pass a choice has to be made. Do you see what I am getting at here?

Sometimes, I drive myself compeltely mad with the “what if’s”. What if I would have done that, said this, moved there…Would I be happier then I am today? I find myself in moments where I can’t seem to breathe and I feel like I am lost at sea. Thats when I begin the never ending battle of “What If” What if  I would have finished school in Seattle? What if I had married my high school boyfriend? What if I had moved to California like I wanted to? I find that I go on these rabbit trails and suddenly I have spun a web so intricate that my life could have turned out a million different ways and that is where I get stuck. I wonder if I would have been any happier in some other life or would I be sadder?

But then there are moments were I am so happy I could not imagine my life any other way. I am not talking about Christmas morning happy or laughing at a good joke kind of happy. I am talking about the joy you feel so deep in your bones that the world could literally stop and you would be one hundred percent fine. It always comes so unexpectedly just like horrible news does.

We never think about that do we? We always talk about how bad news came out of no where but we never talk about the random joy that just envelopes you.

My husband and i recently sold our couch so we have been camping out on the floor furniture-less and it is reminding me of when we were engaged and we had a small apartment, no money, and no furniture. We had so many “romantic” dinners on the floor. We would be eating the food the church gave to us or some cheap pchels-1asta. Our butts and legs would get numb but we would sit there for hours just talking and listening to music. Throughout the first year of our marriage we crammed ourselves into that tiny one bedroom always complaining about how there wasn’t enough space for both of us. That was the year David’s management training fell through and I had twenty-six job interviews and no bites. We had our photography business but it was at it’s early stages and in no way was it a cash-cow. We survived miraculously on roughly $400 a month. I totaled my car, David had multiple car accidents, I was sent to the ER… everything about that year screams disaster but in retro-spect, I see that time, as my happy place. I learned to cook, potted my first plants & grew my first pepper (on our little back deck), I learned to fight, to love, and be happy without material objects.

That year I tossed around a lot of “What if’s” thinking I made a horrible choice somewhere along the way and that was why I was poor, hungry, and leaving a cramped lifestyle. But now every time I am frustrated I remember how much joy I had that year and I cancel out all of the stupid “What If’s” and remember that I am exactly where I should be in life.

I made every choice for a reason and sometimes I forget that but in the end it is what helps me decide my next path.

am currently facing a huge decision and I am so scared of making the wrong choice that I forget the obvious truth.

No matter what path I take, it will be the right one, because that choice will lead me to another choice, and in the end I will be exactly where I am supposed to be.



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