How To Become a Bride


Well, to get it right, you must go through a series of jerks. The musician you must fall for because, that 18-year-old grass mowing, bass playing, farm boy beckons you. Of course you will be 14 and think that you are in love, you’re not, anyways, he will tell you that you’re, oooooh so pretty, he is full of lies. He will hold your hand and you will lie awake that night fantasying about your first kiss with Jeramy. With an A. Lame. Then of course your parents will tell you he is no good and you will scream, “I love him! I love him!” Fool. No you don’t. Of course, when he doesn’t call you the next day you will cry and listen to “So Much For My Happy Ending” by Avril Lavigne way too many times.

The next time you see him he will be hanging all over a fully developed 17-year-old queen. You will think she is a Witch, with a capital B, but won’t allow yourself to cuss. You will hate life and wish you had boobs. You will cry until you no longer feel. Then you will go to the bathroom and cut yourself with a razor. Drama Queen. You will still pine for this Jeramy character, with an A, even though he just wants to shift gears inside your special place. Yeah right, but you are still are moron, always flirting and hoping. You wear tight pale-pink pleather pants and too much makeup while thinking black hair dye is the Shiz Nit.

You will stop eating and lose so much weight that you put on sweatpants underneath your jeans. You indulge sometimes, just to throw it all up. Your mother will fail to notice until you take 20aspirin, until the pastor’s granddaughter phones you wanting to “hang” and you say, “sorry trying to off myself”. She will panic and call the youth pastor who sends his wife over whose only solution is to take you out to spaghetti and to talk about her teething daughter. Then she gets mad because you didn’t eat the spaghetti and you smile and think “a moment on the lips is forever on the hips, fatty” then grab at your non-fat, wishing for thinness even though at 112 your skin and bone.

You will move away to a different town and begin to fall for your best friends brother who happens to be your brother’s best friend. His name will be Sam. You will find his quarterback, track-star, wrestling champion body awesome and watch him through the window as he washes his car with your brother in the driveway. You will be holding a blender full of strawberry- banana low calorie goodness. You will suck down on the straw transfixed completely in a, 16-year-old-turned-on-by- the-shirtless-athlete-outside-your-window kind of way, and begin to fantasize in a way you hadn’t since Jeramy, with an A. He will walk in on you gawking and look at the blender in your hand and straw hanging out of your mouth completely in the know of what you were just doing. You will drop to the floor like a loser pretending you lost your contact, like you saw on an episode of Friends once. Awkward. You rush to room and slam your door wishing for death. Your brother will go off to college and you two will hang out in secret. On April fools day you will decide to play a prank on everyone saying you are a dating couple. Everyone will say that they knew you liked each other and the joke will be on you. Of course you guys will date for a year and he will teach you how to fish in the dark and attempt to teach you how to drive a stick shift. But you will drive his car into a fence and he will be really pissed off. That’s when you see the darker side of him. He will expect you to marry him after only 8 months of dating, at 17 you will be totally freaked out. He will give you a silver ring and the stone will be from an elk’s tooth he pulled from his first hunting trip that was supposed to signify that he became a man.

The next year will go by in a blur. Being a senior in high school and having a crazy football-loving psychopath controlling your every move, your future will be overwhelming. You will often catch him flexing in the mirror and wonder to yourself what the heck you are doing in that stupid relationship. He will cheat on you a lot and you will break it off with him. You will go off to college and try to move on but he will have destroyed you. He will chase you for a year and it will turn into the world’s longest break up. You will start to trust him again just to find out he lied to you about the times he cheated on you. So you try to move on again. You will begin to trust him yet again but he will be engaged to another women within a few months and you will feel like a whore. Good times.

You will escape to the US Virgin Islands for healing and reconciliation and there you will meet a rebound that looks like a fat Leprechaun and plays the guitar. He will be much older then you and because of that you will think he his so cool. Somehow at 19 you still will not have a clue. After you leave you will have a flirtatious texting relationship for several months and again you will think you are the Shiz Nit. Then suddenly he will say, “By no mean are you an ugly girl but I can do better.” You will cry for months and become a man hater.

Picture.0994You will run to angry songs about murdering men and songs about how you are so awesome and how you can control men with your body. You won’t want anything from a man, ever, and are beyond skinny but with every guy you turn down your ego will burst. But you will be the type that watch’s romantic comedies in secret, just to make fun of them while throwing popcorn at the screen. Yes, that age-old cliche will be you. Men will become the devil and you will make fun of anyone who dares believe in love. You will write many man-hater poems and songs. Then just as you are in your upheaval of hate the Leprechaun will contact you again and you will act like you have no idea who he is. You will be very sexy in your texts and when he asks you send a photo of your boobs you will say no and tell him you have more self respect then that. You will then tell the missionary base he works for that he is a pervert and get him kicked off the island, just like in Surviver. It will be awesome.

But then you will feel so disgusted with yourself and how you could be treated like such an object that you will try to figure out how to get better. You will eat more and run less. Decide to make more friends and aim for happiness. You will become so awkward around boys that at 21 you can’t handle being asked out and get all cherry-faced every time Picture.0974a boy looks at you.

You will join a church media team and work along side a boy and you will realize that not all men are jerks. Some are just weird. You will begin a friendship with a tall giant that supports a blonde curly fro. He will wear black high water pants and plaid button up shirts. He will always have a camera beside him and be socially awkward. He will nod a lot. Like, when you tell him your dad’s dead he will just munch on his Taco Bell and nod. You will feel awkward. You will be asked to teach a photography class together and you will start falling for the tall socially awkward nerd from Tennessee. He will suddenly become insanely adorable to you and you will have no idea why. Your family will make fun of you for suddenly not hating men so much.

You will be able to tell him he smells like raw cheese that even a pig would fear. And he will be able to tell you that you’re not crazy and that your special despite the fact that you fart worse then he does. You will be embarrassed that he noticed how gross your farts are. He will listen to every tale you tell no matter how tall that tale may be. He will make you laugh so much that you will develop the snort that reminds him of a cute pink baby piglet, the kind with a twisty tail. You will teach him how dress and life will be wonderful. He will kiss you for the first time and he will. say, “How was that?” and you will say, “Your mouth was too open”. You will worry that you killed his ego. He will hum a lot and he will wonder where your inner man hater has gone. He will ask you to marry him and you will think it’s a joke and when you realize he is as serious you will make him get back down on one knee and redo it. You will say yes and jump up and down like when you were 13 and got that 5-disc CD changer for Christmas.

The wedding plans will be a blur of glitter and lace but the glitter and lace will look more like tie-dye and elephants. The day will finally come. You will look pretty good. Ok, so you will look great. You will be so full of giddiness that when you are walking down the aisle you will blow kisses to your groom while twirling ballerina-style. Your groom with think you look so good all he will be able to do is nod repeatedly in pure unadulterated appreciation. You and your groom will wear semi-matching converse and you two will be dorks forever and always because that is whatwill be written on your shoes. He will always be able to see through your insecurities and tell you  that you are beautiful. You will be insanely happy and your guests will ask you when did the man hater go soft and you will say about the time you took a machete to the voices in your head. Your guests will just nod sipping lemonade trying to pretend your comment wasn’t bizarre. Awkward. There will be dancing, cake, and you well be off to the honeymoon…

…and that is where I stop


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