I know that I will write about this in more detail later but, I have a confession.
For a long time I suffered with an eating disorder. I starved myself and then I would throw up what little I did eat. I was on a downward spiral. There was a pain in my heart so rich that life didn’t seem worth living and at the risk of sounding “Too Christian” I will say that the power of God’s love saved me from the darkness within myself.
And, like I said I will post the full story when I am ready but for now know that the poem you are about to read is about that period in my life.
Demons surround my every
Failure, loss, and hope
Cold bath water and restless nights
Only brought me to my fall out
Another pot of coffee
Just to keep my demons locked
In the darkness of me
This is my demise
Bringing me to me knees repeatedly
Appealing for Your breath of life
Temptations of the darker side
Betray my faith in You
The evil pleasure hunts me down
Calling me, begging me for more
The Monster hunts me,
I can see his horrifying smile
Where are you, Jesus?
Bottle of pills, yellow glass of water
Sitting on floor, cradled between the wall and the bathtub
Where are you…? Do you ever hear me calling?
Heart races and I can see my story’s ending
Shaking hands spill the pills onto the floor
Curled myself on the floor and my sobs tare my soul further apart
Then I hear a calm, a voice somewhere deep inside of me
I’m screaming, pleading, needing
I’m punching the walls, tossing everything
So sick of The Monster, making me want to die
Deep sigh, there is nothing left, the fight in me is gone
I know Your there, and I’m choosing to not let go
However, much I want to
I know that You’ll love me even when my hope is gone
Jesus, hold me now.