Jesus and The Monster

I know that I will write about this in more detail later but, I have a confession.

For a long time I suffered with an eating disorder. I starved myself and then I would throw up what little I did eat. I was on a downward spiral. There was a pain in my heart so rich that life didn’t seem worth living and at the risk of sounding “Too Christian” I will say that the power of God’s love saved me from the darkness within myself. 

And, like I said I will post the full story when I am ready but for now know that the poem you are about to read is about that period in my life. 

IceTub V

Demons surround my every

Failure, loss, and hope

Cold bath water and restless nights

Only brought me to my fall out

Another pot of coffee

Just to keep my demons locked

In the darkness of me

This is my demise

Bringing me to me knees repeatedly

Appealing for Your breath of life

Temptations of the darker side

Betray my faith in You

The evil pleasure hunts me down

Calling me, begging me for more

The Monster hunts me,

I can see his horrifying smile

Where are you, Jesus?

Bottle of pills, yellow glass of water

Sitting on floor, cradled between the wall and the bathtub

Where are you…? Do you ever hear me calling?

Heart races and I can see my story’s ending

Shaking hands spill the pills onto the floor

Curled myself on the floor and my sobs tare my soul further apart

Then I hear a calm, a voice somewhere deep inside of me

I’m screaming, pleading, needing

I’m punching the walls, tossing everything

So sick of The Monster, making me want to die

Deep sigh, there is nothing left, the fight in me is gone

I know Your there, and I’m choosing to not let go

However, much I want to

I know that You’ll love me even when my hope is gone

Jesus, hold me now.

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