There was a time in my life were I wanted to be a famous songwriter. Okay, I just wanted to be famous. I was obsessed with the idea of becoming Hollywood’s next big star. I know that I have written about this before but I wanted to mention it again because it was the first thing I wanted to be. You know, when people ask children “who do you want to be when you grow up?” Most kids say that they want be a policemen, a fireman, or a ballerina.
It is the first time we define ourselves and overtime we redefine ourselves again. We are that person for awhile before we grow and develop and change our minds. The point is we are ever changing and if we aren’t, we should be. The process at times is hard because your stuck in the middle, where you have forgotten who you are but you are unsure of who you want to be.
First I wanted to be famous until I become a rational and decided the life of fame was not for me. So I studied hard in school and thought I wanted to be a nurse. But being a nurse didn’t work out so I took a leap of faith and became a photographer. I loved that person I was involved, fit, a vegetarian, creative, and I traveled. I was a big dreamer and I even had my professors thinking I dreamed too big. But I was also unhappy and afraid of love.
A weird thing happened at that point, I fell in love. I know that doesn’t sound weird but for me it was huge because I was the hater of love (mostly men but I’ll say love.) I was surprised that I fell in love and wanted to get married but my family and friends were probably more surprised then I was. My brother lived in New Mexico at the time said “Chelsea, has man in her life?!” after my mom told him I had been seeing someone. The world was in shock and so was I.
I think I stayed in that shock for a long while because lately I have noticed that I am eons away from the person I used to. Some good and some bad. Being a wife is a whole new concept and when the day comes that I am a mom that too will be a brand new definition of me. But now I am in this place and deciding to try to not become the person I was again or spend too much time daydreaming about the person I wish I was. It is a hard place to be in. Emotionally I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I want to be the person people expect of me because I am a people pleaser but at the same time I don’t want to be anyone other then who I should be. If that makes sense.
I used to dream big, have passion, but somewhere along the line I let that die in me. Lately I am rediscovering how much I love writing and how that has always been my first passion. I am learning how to encourage my husband and how to take care of myself and not drown in my marriage. I got so caught up in being a wife I didn’t realize I was suffocating. I forgot to be me.
David and I had a long talk the other night and he reminded me what I used to tell him about having goals and dreams. I love him for that. I’m in the process of redefining myself again but in a good way, I guess you can say I have caught my second wind.