I can remember what it felt like to want nothing more then to be kissed. Day and night I would wonder what it would feel like to have a man kiss me on the lips. I would see people kiss all around me and all I wanted was to know what it that felt like. I would beg for this opportunity because sex was saved for marriage but I could kiss.
My teenage thoughts were an all consuming fire of lust and curiosity. I was ready for the heart pounding, mind spinning romanance that I saw in the movies. But what you see in the movies is never what you get. What you get is reality. I was young and all I wanted was to be wanted. I never once thought about the value of a kiss. How sacred a first is. How sacred all things regarding intimacy are.
I remember my first kiss. We were on my parents couch our hands were sweating from the hours that we had spent palm to palm. The moment my step-dad left the living room to go to bed my boyfriend of a couple of weeks started running his fingers through my hair. My head started to pound near the temples because my pulse was through the roof. I was sweet 16 and he was 18. He asked if he could kiss me and all I could do was nod. He gave me this speech about how honored he was that I was giving him my first kiss and how he wished this was his first kiss too. He said some other things that I don’t remember because all I could think was “stop talking and kiss me already!”. He did. My mouth was open and I ate his nose. Apparently, when your not in a movie a first kiss is a simple peck that leads to more moments after. You don’t go for the gold right away. I was mortified. He asked if he could try I again so I let him. His tongue went so far down my throat I literally gaged. I ran to my room vowing to never kiss again. And we didn’t kiss again for two weeks.
I guess one thing I did’t mention is that I was dating my brothers best friend so sleepovers were a common thing. I laid awake wishing we never kissed all the while hearing him get ready for bed in the bathroom I shared with my brother. The next morning I had to face my first/worst kiss nightmare with morning breath and bedhead.
It was nothing like the movies. It was reality. That was the beginning of my destruction and before my revival. It was the fleeting love that I thought was forever. The love I wasted on a man that took more from me then I care to remember. This is the first step I took towards the life I live now. I used to wish these memories faded into a wasteland or that they failed to exist. But, when I look over at my husband and feel the way he loves me, I know that I never would know how real the love I have now is.
There is more to this story…but that is were I will leave you tonight. Tomorrow I will post part 2.