Growing up I always idolized my brother. He was the one with all the cresma, popularity, humor, and of course he was always more responsible then me. I grew up being in his shadow, or what felt like his shadow. I don’t know how many times I’ve been claimed solely as Curtis’ little sister. He was the one that was naturally smart but he also was a slacker. He could have easily gotten straight A’s but had to much of a life to care… (Forgive me brother for I’m baring all your sins.)
I remember the way my family would laugh at his jokes, so I would spend hours in front of the mirror being a comedian just so I could get my mom to laugh like my brother could. Of course I couldn’t because I am funny in my own way (or so I was told.)
My brother is stable and the most comitted guy I know. He stayed at the same college, got a four year degree, married a beautiful woman, has a great job (and a great résumé of past jobs.) Has a nice house with a yard for his future family… Seriously the whole nine yards.
Me on the other hand, almost got expelled from elementary school, was held back, went to three colleges and ended up with associates in photography, and worked at a McDonald’s (while claiming to be a vegetarian.) I’ve always been more shy and reserved and not the life of the party. The thing is, I know I’m “special in my own way,” but that doesn’t make the constant feeling of being second best go away. I tried to redeem myself in high school by graduating one year early. I did everything could to get straight A’s but ended up one point away from graduating with honors.
I love my brother more then anything and if your lucky enough to know him you understand what I’m talking about. But, I’ve always envied his spotlight. Wished I could be a little more like him. Maybe then I would more successful in my current life. I was told today that I didn’t get the promotion that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago, and that’s fine I expected not to get it based on the mass talent that applied for it. What I didn’t expect was to be the runner up, the almost girl. And the reason I didn’t get it was because I need to build more relationships with people, be a little more outgoing. I’m not outgoing it’s just what it is. And all day I struggled because I couldn’t help but think, man if only I had a little bit of my brothers personality in me.
But I’m not him… I’m me. Ok that was an obvious statement but you know what I mean. I have a lot of examples as to way I feel second best all the time but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is me discovering how to shine as me. Plain old Chelsea.
So here it goes… I know I’ve been trying for years to be the one in the spotlight. The one who shines bright, has there moment. As selfish as that sounds but I’m done trying. I’m just me and I have to be ok with that.