Forever In A Wasteland

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I know the secrets I keep. I know that people think they know me. Especially my mother and best friend. They all seem to know who I really am but they don’t know the secrets I keep. The lies that tie me down. What is behind my smile and my everyday shoes. There is a world of struggle known only to me and the hidden truths that are locked away in my mind.

There are things that I wish for and hopes that I want. Hopes that shouldn’t be hoped for. Dark thoughts that roar. Raging through my mind like the morning tide. I am me, a plan Jane, but underneath I am lost and fighting for air. Trapped in an incessant need for change.

It all started with you standing in the sun under that tree that grew oranges even though we didn’t reside in Florida. But, that is where you are now and I wonder if you think of me like I think of you. I know what you did and what I am. My secret is you. You were my danger. My warning sign. But I waved my flag of surrender. I was a heap. A pile of ash. And you tried to revive me into flames but all you did was turn me to dust. No one knows, this, or what you did, because my secret is you.

I left my note and my buried treasure under the lamp-post in the city where I abandoned all thought and reason. Were I left you waiting for me in the dried leaves and snow, in your ski cap that made you look like someone from a cartoon. I know because I watched you from afar. I watched the disappointment and anger wash over your face when I wouldn’t forsake my life for you. I wasn’t the Juliet to your Romeo. I couldn’t be. Not after I saw you wash the blood from your hands.

I know the secrets I keep. And I know that you know one my secrets and if you find this I hope you remember what I once meant to you. Remember what you should have meant to me.

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