I’m always talking about how you need to believe in yourself and be proud of who you are. While I still believe that to be true, I have a confession I need to make. I’m a liar. Yes, a bold faced fraud. Here I am telling you to be yourself fearlessly while the whole time I’m hiding myself. Not all of me just parts I’m afraid to show to world because I fear being judged or disliked. At the very least I worry I will offended someone. But doesn’t that make me judgemental? Deciding how someone will feel before I give them a chance?
For example, when I’m at work there are times that I skirt around my beliefs because I don’t want to be the Jesus Freak but around fellow Christians I hid the fact the I like dirty music and sometimes I cuss because doing those things doesn’t make me a good girl. It’s this mask that I put on. A constant people pleaser mask.
I hate talking politics and things that are controversial because I want to be on everyone’s side. Sure, the gay marriage law that passed bugs me. But I have gay friends that I know and love so why would I bother expressing my opinion? I try really hard to not hate Christians who stand on their pedestals, judging people for choices they make. Like abortion. I don’t believe in it but am I going to tell someone they are going to hell if they have an abortion, no. Because I don’t know. Only God knows that. Something’s aren’t my place. I’ve been judged for being a Christian from unbelievers and I have been cast to the wayside by the church. I often feel like a middle man with a weak voice. Or like a hippie who just wants peace and love. Literally. Or the pageant queen who wants world peace. But seriously wouldn’t that be nice?
I am not a meat eater, well I eat meat but I don’t like it except for sausage. I love sausage. Not many people know this about me but if I’m going to eat meat I prefer it to be pork. But I hide it. For no good reason. Who cares weather or not I like to eat Wilbur. I like country music a lot more then I should and I still read teen novels. I hate it when girls aren’t modest but 90% of the time I have clevage, not on purpose I am just chesty. Who am I to judge and why do I portray myself perfect for different audiences. Everyone knows better. But, I still try to blend in to everyone’s mold like a chameleon.
Maybe, I’m not a fruad. Just human. There is a line though between expressing too much opinion and not enough opinion. The line that allows you to believe what you want to and like what you want but doesn’t hurt others.
I must ask. Is this normal? Am I alone in this? Am I making sense? What is the line?
Sometimes there is no gray area but for the most part there is. I think my starting point is being able to express myself honestly without fear of repercussion.