It was an idea. A thought. A plea. A hope. Almost a dream. A desire so deep. And I loved. 

Loved the thought so immensely. I wanted him and I swear I could feel him growing inside me. I could tell you his name and the color of his eyes. Big and round like mine but hypnotic blue like yours. 

Only, in my dreams could I feel my arms around him. His half-dollar sized hands would squeeze my thumb. I would smile and my heart would feel warm. My soul felt like wrapping a blanket around me after cocoa on a winter capped day.

He was mine. At least for a little while. I keep searching for an answer. But no answers come. Instead I’m broken and failing to do what God intended. Unable to help carry on your family name. Sometimes, at night, I scream. 

I scream out in agony and pure unadulterated angst. Most can’t understand what it feels like to have your own body betray you. 

I’ve been the underdog. I know pain. But this is literal hell. Out of my control. I shatter. I shake. And I’ve broken down. The tears came and the wind has left me. 

I’m as cold as the color blue. I’m ashamed of me and I wish I didn’t fail you. Fail us. But I did and I do. 

You say it’s not my fault and that there is nothing I can do. You say I didn’t fail and its out of my control. 

But all I can do is lie there curled up, biting my thumb and stare numbly at the solid white wall while my tears start to leak into my ears.

I know you love me. But I want to love me too. I’m sick of being the underdog and I hate that my flesh and bone are holding me captive and letting me down. Time and time again. So kiss my neck and hold me close but I can’t guarantee I will recover from this. 

I feel ruined. I am stone. The long nights will come and I will think of him and what life should be like. I will sob. Because my strength has left me. I’m like the feeling you get when you put your feet on a cold floor right after you wake up. Unfortunate and cold. 

And you’ll continue to love me because that’s what you do. You’re the calm force to my wrecking ball. Even though I’ve let us down. My heart is in pieces and I’m gasping for air. I’m just surviving. Trying hard to breathe. Wishing for hope and praying for a wish. So would you hold me please? Stop me from crying.


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