Last week when you called me my words caught in my throat. I wanted to say so much but I wasn’t sure how to. I wasn’t sure if you were ready for my words or if now was the time. You said so much and I am still in such shock.
Shock that this is happening and that after all these years of believing, miracles do come true. Prayers are answered.
I know you thought I hated you and if I am honest, I thought I hated you for most of my life too. I wasn’t sure how it was possible to love someone who hurt me both emotionally and physically. Someone who tore me down until there was nothing left, but the truth is, despite everything I love you. I love you so much. I love you vastly and deeply.
You taught me how to forgive the impossible, believe in hope, and have faith when all else fails.
Yes, you may have hurt more times then I care to remember but you were hurting and a part of me always knew that. No one understood how I could defend you, stick up for you, and love you despite everything but I was there when your world fell apart because my world fell apart too. I was there when she hurt us and left a million scars. I was there for all the moves, new family members, and washed out lies. We have fought a lot of the same battles. Hell, we were both cheated on and deeply scarred by our first loves.
I know that in a weird way, in your way, you were only trying to protect me and dealing with your pain.
Life threw us curve balls. I took it inward and hated myself, my life, and lost a joy that I have just recently begun to find again. You got angry, cold, dark, wasted, and you lost yourself in the wounds you burried yourself under. The odd reality is that we both became perfectionists in our own ways.
We are more similar then we give ourselves credit for. Believe it our not we probably have one of the strongest bonds and not because we talk every night and share all our dirty secrets but because of what we have overcome. Together and separately.
So when you called to tell me you found the Lord again and that you were going to turn your life around I couldn’t believe it. I’ve prayed for you everyday since I was 17. I had my moments of doubt but deep in my heart I knew that someday my miracle would come. My greatest fear was dying and not having you with me in heaven. Because I need you in my life because you mean more to me then a thousand moons.
I know I don’t say it or express very often and that is because of my internal scares. I’m not good with “I love you’s” and hugs. But I am good with words and I hope you understand that I’m proud of you, I could never hate you, and that you’ve always been a shining star in my world. I look up to you. I’ve always admired your wit and humor and for years have tried my hardest to be funnier then you. I’ve never succeeded.
Your amazing through and through. You’re going to mess up, you’re going to fall, but no one expects perfection. We all love you and will be with you every step of the way.
Again, I’m so happy for you. I love you. Im so proud of you.