Has anyone ever been in a complete daze? Surrounded in a darkness you simply cannot control. Maybe if you are like me you get agitated easily. You become someone else entirely.
It’s completely weird because you can “feel”normal (whatever normal even is) yet in your head, your mind, the brain inside your skull… however you choose to phrase it… you are screaming and weak. Has anyone else ever felt like this?
I wish I could further explain what it is like to suffer from depression. Some people do not see this as a real problem, that the darkness inside us can be easily “fixed” with medication, therapy, and a good healthy lifestyle.
This bothers me because I have tried it and have come up short every time. I can be on medication and it helps, but when I skip a day or simply forget to take it, I am grumpy and lightheaded.
I have gone on walks, talked with friends, visited family, cut out junk food and other “triggers” … and yet here I am.
Now, you should know that I am hesitant to post blogs like this because I tend to get swarmed by people, mostly family, freaked out that I am going to go off the rails again.
I don’t blame them, not really, I HAVE driven right off of the cliff and fell head first into the dark world of death. But, that is a story for another day and another time.
I promise you this is nothing to worry about. I am not blogging this out for a woah-is-me pity party. I have come a long way in this last couple of years. I have realized the importance of self-care, set boundaries in relationships that were toxic, and sought out ways to keep myself on what I call the happy-track. This blog is one of those outlets for me.
Yet, sometimes, despite how hard I try, I cannot shake the dark haze that surrounds me. I get into a weird headspace and feel like I have to fight tooth and nail to escape my internal demons.
The good news is that I do fight them now, I reach out, I let people know that I am in one of my “moods” opposed to what I used to do. Which was, keeping everything locked up inside and internalizing it.
Life is really good right now, despite the fact that world in rusting over. Yet somehow that logic doesn’t hit my heart because that is depression in a nutshell. You can KNOW that things are good but somehow not FEEL it.
I wrote this somewhat confusing, random, blog to let others know – because I can’t be the only one – that you are not alone. If you have ever felt this way, know that I am right there with you.
When anyone struggles with manic depression, you know that these “dark periods” happen. The important thing is to be aware of what you are feeling, let a few trusted people know, and fight like hell to get past it. These funks wont last forever – they will seize.
Stay strong AND remember what you live for.
Love, LaBrie XOXO